The Three Fat Pigs – A Witty and Dark Retelling of a Classic Tale

Once upon a time, when pigs were plumper than pillows and wolves wore toolbelts instead of capes, there lived an old sow with her three terribly fat piglets. Unlike other pigs who enjoyed a balanced diet of roots and tubers, these three had an unshakable craving for the sweetest, most decadent treats.

Morning, noon, and night, the piglets stuffed their round faces with chocolate bars, frosted cakes, and heaps of ice cream until their little house could barely contain them—or their bellies. Eventually, their poor mother, shaking her snout with worry, decided it was time for them to venture out into the world to build homes of their own.

With kisses on their cheeks and reminders to build something strong, she waved them off into the big wide world.

The First Pig and the Chocolate Cottage

The first fat pig waddled along until he met a cheerful chocolatier, whose stall was stacked with mountains of sweet delights. The pig’s eyes glimmered.

“Kind sir,” said the pig, licking his lips, “may I have enough chocolate to build myself a grand chocolate castle?”

The chocolatier, being as generous as he was jolly, agreed and gave him more chocolate than even the pig could dream of. But alas! Temptation took over. The pig gobbled and nibbled away so much that in the end, he only had enough left to craft a tiny chocolate cottage.

No sooner had he taken his first nap inside than along came a timber wolf. His nose twitched at the scent of cocoa and pork.

“Fat pig, fat pig, come on out!” called the wolf.

“No, no, by the grunt of my snouty snout snout!” squealed the pig.

“Then I’ll howl, and I’ll growl, and I’ll tear your door down!”

The wolf did just that. With a thunderous growl and a mighty shove, he broke through the chocolate walls, gobbled up the first fat pig, and licked the last smears of chocolate off his fur.

The Second Pig and the Cake House

The second fat pig soon met a baker, rolling fresh dough at his bakery.

“Please, kind baker, give me enough dough to bake a magnificent cake castle!” the pig begged.

The baker, delighted by the challenge, handed over a great mound of dough. Yet, the pig’s appetite was his greatest weakness. By the time he’d baked a single cake cottage in a borrowed oven, he’d devoured the remaining dough.

Along came the timber wolf, who sniffed the sugary air with delight.

“Fat pig, fat pig, come on out!”

“No, no, by the grunt of my snouty snout snout!”

“Then I’ll howl, and I’ll growl, and I’ll tear your door down!”

The wolf made quick work of the cake walls and devoured the second pig, dessert and all. He left with crumbs on his snout and a very satisfied belly—though not full yet.

The Third Pig and the Ice Cream Van

The third fat pig came across an ice cream vendor and proposed, “Could I have enough ice cream to build a frosty castle?”

But the vendor was not as generous as the others. Instead, he offered the pig a job in his ice cream van, suggesting he could earn money to buy ice cream himself.

The pig, with little other choice, agreed. He began selling cones to the woodland creatures, living inside the van for shelter.

Sure enough, the timber wolf arrived, teeth gleaming, eyes narrowed.

“Fat pig, fat pig, come on out!”

“No, no, by the grunt of my snouty snout snout!”

The wolf howled and growled with all his might, but the sturdy van didn’t budge. Exhausted, the wolf switched tactics.

“Come work with me,” said the cunning wolf. “There’s timber to be cut in the pine forest by the river. I’ll pay you with the wood you chop. That way, you can build a proper wooden castle.”

Tempted by the idea of a solid home, the pig agreed.

Timber Tricks and Wolfish Woes

Early the next morning, the pig set out before the sun had even yawned. He chopped and stacked planks until he saw the wolf limping down the path—he had an old injury, after all.

Panicked, the pig toppled a tall pine tree onto the path, trapping the wolf beneath its leafy boughs. The pig scurried back to his van, relieved.

The wolf, bruised and angrier than ever, returned later that evening. Between sneezes and a hobble from his bad leg, he proposed another job—this time in the spruce forest near the lake.

Again, the pig agreed but set off even earlier. By the time the wolf arrived, the pig was already done. From afar, the pig yelled, “Watch the grass! It’s slippery after the rain!”

Suspicious of another trick, the wolf marched closer to the lakeshore—only to slip and tumble straight into the cold water. Spluttering and freezing, the wolf dragged himself out, catching a terrible cold to match his aching leg.

A Wooden Castle and a Final Confrontation

By the third job offer—cutting old oaks by the seashore—the pig had collected enough wood from the pine and spruce forests. He stayed up all night building his castle of timber on the seashore, determined to finish before dawn.

But he was still hammering the last planks when he saw the timber wolf approaching at sunrise, limping, sneezing, and growling.

The pig fled into the dark woods, the wolf hot on his heels.

“Timber!” the pig cried, swinging his axe with one last mighty chop. A colossal tree toppled over—but this time, the pig wasn’t quick enough.

The tree crushed the pig flat as a pancake.

Chuckling victoriously, the wolf finally gobbled up the third fat pig.

The Wolf’s Reward

With a full belly and a mended leg after a week of rest, the timber wolf returned to the unfinished wooden castle on the seashore. He finished building the roof himself, stood back to admire his work, and declared:

“At last, a proper home worthy of a clever wolf.”

And he lived happily ever after—fat, full, and snug in his new wooden castle.

Moral of the Story

Greed and laziness often lead to trouble, but cleverness and hard work can still be undone by foolishness. And sometimes, just sometimes, the wolf wins.